It was a summer night. After a long drawn of suffocating heat there was a pleasant breeze in the air that night. We were walking the streets. You had your flip-flops on, the flapping sounds they made went perfectly well with the idleness of the summer evening. You were wearing your green shorts, with the number 10 written on it, college style; and a faded, gray t-shirt that used to be black someday.
You were walking pretty fast, or perhaps I was falling behind because I kept seeing your back. Your shoulders looked wider since I last saw you. You were beating yourself up to enlarge those muscles. As they expanded and got larger, a clearing was opening up in your heart as well. You were pushing your walls further to form some sort of space in there. I used to find obsessive body builders to be sick… I used to despise your forceful largeness in the beginning; but later on this body resembling Spartan warriors in the movies, came to be the sole manifestation of pleasure for me, I simply wanted to be crushed under all that weight. But you were only in the beginning of that massive muscle project in your head. You were building yourself.
You saw me slowing down and stopped for a moment, “Then we’re gonna buy Sodorom, beautiful...” you said, “and Nekromanon, I’ll buy you Nekromanon myself.” So we were on our way to buy movies after all. Again you had some plan in your head, and everything, everyone, pretty much the whole world was running according to this plan. I didn’t know this street, I thought it was the DVD shop with the lights on, but it wasn’t. And you kept on and on with your movie list: “And we’ll buy Aparthenon as well, and we’ll get two… one for me and one for you.” I was seeing your back again, why were you walking so fast I wondered… It was as if your steps were dragging me somewhere, the headlights of a car was flashing on your back, slowly turning and disappearing into the darkness again.
But when exactly did we make up? Actually we didn’t even have a fight, so how could we?.. After you disappeared for quite long time, how did I react when you suddenly blew in again? I was thinking I should be sour… Not sour maybe but a little cold and distant for sure. I would kindly kiss you on the cheeks, as if nothing really happened. Our friends would be around, sitting on the concrete wall by the beach. I would get off my bike, kiss you on the cheeks –like everbody else– and then sit on the wall, legs crossed. After the “hey, what’s up” stage, I would most comfortably, out of the blue, get to the point. “What you did wasn’t really nice Okan”, I would say. “Not everyone has to really like each other for that matter, and yeah maybe you don’t want to hang out with me, or make an emotional attachment, right. But it wasn’t really nice of you to do this by disappearing and avoiding me. If wish you would just let me know what was going on.”
I would be calm, honest and open. This was my only weapon in life and I thought it was fair. But how did you react and how was it that we were together again, as if nothing had happened. I couldn’t remember that. I mean you were like that, you were acting as if nothing had happened. As if we had just left each other yesterday, saying “hey babe, see you tomorrow” or something like that, but that wasn’t the way I felt. I was sort of stiff, and hesitant. Still I was desperate for the least bit of sweet word coming from your mouth. A simple “hey beautiful” that escaped your mouth while you were talking about this movie or that was blissing me out to the brink of stupidity. Before anything had happened between us, I had found it odd when you called me “beautiful” the second or third time we met. I always hated dodgy guys who called women beautiful, honey, sweetie etc easily, all my life. But soon I was to become an addict of “hey beautiful”. And you had just said it again. Well whatever it was, now it’s past I was thinking; here he’s with me again. I had never thought ahead about you anyway. And even if I did, it would be wise to get on the first plane to some far off country immediately. My feelings for you were mostly about now and the very moment. The fear of giving myself in to a great force was withholding me from all my other rational judgments. Here I had become an absolute desire, I’d gone crazy, lost it, out of my mind. But what was it that brought us to this very point? What did you say, how did you react so that it all came back to now? Okay it wasn’t going to be very difficult to convince me if you wanted to come back. I was going to resist a little in the beginning but it wasn’t going to be any pretense, I would be feeling so anyway… That’s how I imagined it would be, but somehow I couldn’t remember how we got here. Just then you stopped by a waiting cab, and you were talking non-stop, but I hesitated. You were going on and on like “and then we’re gonna buy Nekromanon, beautiful” but it was like you has something else on your mind. And then you got the crazy eyes again, but still acting it as if nothing was wrong at all. But then eventually it all came back, and I remembered… We never had any make up talk at all, actually you never even came back… Last time I asked you “hey, how you doin’” on the phone you had told me “well I’m doing okay, work is busy right now, I have business meetings, I go and take care of those” you said, all cold, and I was left like the goofball I was, hell… God damn it, non of this was real at all, we were in a dream right now, or else I was dreaming of you, or you had broken into my own dream.
As soon as the thought hit me we jumped a moment back in time. We were walking towards the cab, the headlights of a car was flashing on your back, turning and disappearing. I had completely forgotten all I was thinking a moment ago, like my memory was reset or something, I was simply walking in your footsteps. You held the door of the cab, “And then we’re gonna buy Nekromanon, beautiful” you said, there was a curious look in your eyes, as if you we’re wondering; lets see if she can tell this time, whatever that is going on. And at that very moment I was certain that this was a dream. Actually, I really wanted to get in the god damn cab instead of waking up, but I knew I had no other choice but wake up, since I realized I was dreaming in the middle of the dream itself. Everything was fading into black from outside to the center, something was pulling me backwards and just then you caught my wrist in a tight grip, you were shouting in anger “Where do you think you’re going?” Darkness was ever filling everything and I was drawn backwards. Your hand was still clutching my wrist tight but I couldn’t see you anymore. The last yellow flick of the cab disappeared and everything turned an absolute black as I heard your voice calling me in the dark, “Is there someone in your bed?”. Now I was lying in my bed, but I couldn’t open my eyes right away.
I was lying, in fetus position. I felt a strange shivering on my back which quickly turned into a powerful current, like electricity, jolting my body. It was like a DVD movie skipping, a digital flickering. A brief moment, a small second endlessly repeating over and over again. And an equally dreadful digital noise accompanied this flashing, it was a ruthless, annoying frequency, it wasn’t made for human ears. But it was almost coming from inside my brain, terrifying and annoying beyond measure, I was unable to move my body… It almost stopped for a moment or so and I forced myself to open my eyes. This must be nightmare, I thought. But the moment I thought of the word “nightmare” I was possessed by fear, because I knew it would come back the moment I thought it would. And it did, and a second but stronger wave of jolting and shivering took hold of me from behind my back. I was unable to do anything, I kept struggling to open my eyes and finally I managed to lift my eyelids a little. Your words kept echoing in my ears, “Is there someone in your bed?”… Yes I was in my bed but as if something was indeed moving behind my back. I wondered if I really was in my own room, in my own bed. I was lying motionless and maybe some invisible thing floundering behind me on the sheets, or a shadow or maybe really someone had broken into my room. The air was hot inside, the windows were wide open. I came to my senses in panic and magnaged to open my eyes completely. Struggling to wake up and get the hell out of there I reached the lamp on the bedside table, there was nothing or no one around me. The room was quiet. I heard the sound of a car driving by outside, and the clock ticking.
Sona ©, August 2009